I’m not sure what has happened to me. It’s like an extrovert has crawled into my head and made a nest there. If you had told me a year ago, I would be making videos of myself and posting them on youtube, then blogging about it, I would say you were out of your mind! But here I am with Vlog #4, and I haven’t died from it yet. I actually get a kick out of the whole process.
One of the gifts of getting older (if we can embrace it) is getting one’s priorities sorted out. The freedom I have felt in the process of surrendering self-consciousness is really worth every drop of potential embarrassment that putting myself on screen could generate. And I’ve come to see that self-consciousness is just as much an ego-trip as being full of one’s self! Its just the miserable end of that spectrum! So I’m seeking and finding the Middle Way, on this subject of self-exposure, as in so many other ways in my life.
This video #4 is about getting around RESISTANCE. The method I’m experimenting with here has to do with cutting the word “should” from my vocabulary! That may sound too simplistic to be effective, but I’ve been doing this for several weeks now, and I have to say there is something to it. “Should” is a FLOW-STOPPER! It has both desire and aversion all wrapped up in one word! The minute I say I should do anything, the chances of actually doing that thing drop to almost 0. The resistance slips in under the radar and stops me dead cold.
But by replacing “should” with “want” I have discovered that resistance has to make itself known, and it has to stand alone. I WANT to be brave enough to make these videos! I WANT to BE the change, not just wish for it, with regard to overcoming ageism and perfectionism and engaging a healthy ego in service to my creative spirit! I WANT these things, despite my resistance, which shows up in so many mean whispers in the ear, all basically boiling down to, “Who do you think you are?”
But as I say in the video…when we replace “I should” with “I want, despite my resistance,” we align ourselves with the “want,” and our oppositional alter-ego is moved to the other side of the room! We may still give in to it, but a habitual neuropathway is nevertheless being broken, and we stand a much better fighting chance in our next encounter. So that is my practice… in making these videos, in getting more exercise, in cutting back the carbs, in leaning in to vulnerability. I’m wanting these things, despite my resistance, and I’m thrilled to report that I’m actually having some victories over that sneaky, life-sucking voice! 😉
So next time you find yourself saying, “I should….” try replacing it with “I want,” and see if you can move resistance farther and farther away from your ear. Give it a try and get back to me!
Several years ago, I experienced a cluster of dreams, in which I was being schooled in the art of flying by illuminated beings. Angels? Aliens? Subconscious archetypes? Something I ate for dinner? I don’t know, but they were nice.
They showed me how to establish and have expectation around an intention, how to create a particular emotional state (lightness of being, of course), how to practice altering the downward thrust of gravity in my body (“as consciousness rises and becomes less dense, so does your body”), and then how to attune my hands’ sensitivity to the recognition of gravitational energy, so they could push against gravity the way magnets can repel each other. None of this was actually spoken by these beings. They simply conveyed the two-word thought: “Lift up,” which went through my brain-filter in all it’s dense and detailed language and image processing.
In these dreams I also witnessed flight happening all around me. There were hundreds of us in the outdoor school, lifting a few feet off the ground, then gliding back down, then a few feet more, then back down. The more I saw, the more I believed in the possibility.
As my sensitization to the feeling of gravity grew, my first awareness was that of my hands dragging through air, as if it had become the consistency of water. I could feel the weight and pulse of it, the texture of it. Of course, the air hadn’t changed. My consciousness had.
Over time (and through several dreams), I began to notice a shift from dragging through air to pushing it, the way magnets’ matching poles propel away from each other. And from there, I began to lift and direct myself into the sky, being filled with enthusiasm, then gripped by fear and doubt, which tumbled me back to earth. Eventually, I could sustain the joy long enough to hover around the tops of trees.
I would wake from these dreams and feel the experience so strongly in my body, that I would literally get out of bed in the middle of the night with the belief I could do this! I could “lift up!” Alas, I could not.
These nocturnal “lessons” all happened several years ago and then stopped, until the eve of my birthday this year. In this newest dream, I was no longer in school, and I’d forgotten I could fly. But due to an emergency in which I really needed to get some altitude (I’d lost my daughter at a theme park), I had the sudden recollection of my skill set and launched myself far above the treetops to scan the ground, like a hawk in search of dinner. I found my daughter and woke up, exhilarated.
We could have a field day with dream interpretation here, but the analysis, though compelling, was far less captivating to me than the actual physical sensation. I always woke up absolutely certain that physical flight as human beings is possible, because I had done it! I knew the sensation, like I knew the feeling of tossing a ball, climbing stairs, or swimming in a pool.
So, here is where my story shifts from dreamland to my backyard. And no, I did not fly in my backyard.
On my birthday morning, I was sitting on the patio with coffee and journal, writing about my flying dream, talking with Holy Spirit (my name for the Mystery) and asking (don’t laugh), “Is it indeed possible for humans to fly… for me to fly? We hear about yogis who can levitate. Am I, perhaps, being trained through dream work to do something my conscious mind wouldn’t necessarily be open to?”
I pondered and wrote, feeling sheepish, but nevertheless giving some effort to mentally lifting my butt from the seat cushions! After a very short amount of time, though, it became clear to me that no, I’m not yet schooled enough to lift these dense hips and thighs! But perhaps I could lift the leaf resting on a chair across from me? Ha! So I concentrated on the leaf, and within a couple of minutes the wind began to blow like crazy, and leaves began to fall from a nearby tree all over the patio. That one leaf on the chair, though, sat perfectly still.
It was pretty funny, as if Holy Spirit was teasing me, saying, “Seriously, honey. We have a LOT more work to do, but I hear you, and I love you for trying!” My heart became so light I couldn’t stop giggling and feeling a true sense of connection with the wind, the trees, the falling leaves. I was playing with Life, and Life was playing back! It was a perfect birthday present. This old girl still had some young girl in her!
I then heard inside my head, “Turn on your video recorder.” I immediately picked up my phone, zeroed in on that still-dead-still-leaf on the chair across from me, and waited. After fifteen seconds or so, the leaf bobbled. Just once…a little birthday bow.
Laugh, if you will, but I’m on to something. I just know it! 😉
If you have flying dreams, too, please share! What a fun conversation (and maybe a classroom experience) we could have!